Pentecost 16 2005

Exodus 12.1-14, Psalm 149, Romans 13.1-10, Matthew 18.10-20.

Today’s Gospel reading is scary, isn’t it?

I mean, readings about judgment and death and all that sort of stuff just don’t hold a candle to this one.

What do I mean?

Well, in today’s Gospel readings, Jesus is talking about how to confront people.

AAAAAHHHHHHH

Confrontation. That’s the scary bit. The thought of having to confront someone causes more anxiety than just about anything else. People stay awake all night dreading a looming confrontation. People stop talking to each other to avoid having a confrontation. People will pretend another person doesn’t exist, they will move states, move countries even. Fear and anxiety about a much needed confrontation splits up marriages and families. People will allow a relationship to go down the plughole rather than be honest.

It’s the little things, isn’t it? Things that others say, things they do, that harm us in some way, that change us for the worse. If we fear confrontation, then the issues is never resolved. It becomes a grudge. It becomes something that drives us. It grows and grows, until we forget the reason for the grudge, it becomes ingrained, it becomes part of us, as we replace the anxiety with self-righteousness, stubbornness and plain pig-headedness. Not a nice situation.

Confrontation is hard. Each one of us handles it differently. I’m afraid I’m an avoider, and I suspect many others are. The issue itself, the sadness about it, the anger, all builds up until like a release valve on a steam engine, or to be more contemporary, a waste-gate on a turbo charger, it comes gushing out in an explosive release. Any one in the way of it will get burned. So in the end, nothing is resolved, and in fact it is made worse by the fact that the outburst was not driven by a sense of wanting to be reconciled, a sense of love, but by a long time of rising bitterness.

Another way is to not tackle the problem, to leave and avoid the issue. This is a killer of community and a killer of families. Church communities break up because of something that happens or doesn’t happen and no one has the guts to do something about it in a loving way. People leave parishes, even priests leave parishes rather than speaking up about something that troubles them, rather than attempting to address the issue. It’s not a good way to be. And can spark some interesting games at times.

Game playing is not nice. Game playing is often used instead of confrontation. Game playing is destructive and dishonest. It becomes a form of manipulation, of covert bullying.

There is more blatant bullying. For some people it is easy to say what they don’t like. However, it is difficult to say it in a way that is loving. It becomes insulting. This is also a sign of fear, even though it comes across as aggression and bullying. Bullying behaviour is based on fear – the bully is usually frightened, and cover for it by frightening others. It is not honest at all, it says nothing about how they really feel, and pretty much slams the door on any chance of reconciliation. The fear is so great that the chance for healing of the relationship is lost. This sort of stuff has also been known to fracture and split families and communities, even church communities.

But as they say, it takes two to tango. I’m not sure I have the confidence tgo stand up to any of these behaviours, and I’m sure I’m not alone. This sort of stuff goes on until someone challenges it in a loving way and gradually the behaviour ceases, hopefully. This is the thing with what Jesus is saying, that there is a mutual responsibility to seek reconciliation. The person who is sinned against is to go and talk with the other person to try to work it out. Jesus is actually encouraging us to confront, but confront in a way that is loving and holds some hope of actually getting somewhere. Jesus says to speak to the other person and point out the issue, in private. He is telling us to be honest, to actually name the issue to the person concerned and invite dialogue. We cannot make others change, we can only say how we feel and hope that they respond, and this is the very opportunity that is offered. If it does not work, then there are other steps that can be taken to attempt reconciliation. And attempt it we must, even though often a true reconciliation will have to involve some confrontation.

As Christians we are called to be people of reconciliation. It’s unfortunate then that even in the church we often have conflict. I guess that’s bound to happen whenever there are human beings involved. Paul writes about trying to avoid breaks in relationships with others and with God, living in love. But inevitably these problems happen, so when they do, we have these words from Jesus to help resolve the conflict, setting up a process to work towards reconciliation. So perhaps it’s in this that we can find a way of making confrontation less scary.

The thing with this process is that it is done with the goal being reconciliation. It’s not done to exact vengeance, to take away honour or to hurt in some way, which is what happens so often with confrontation. It is a process which, if both parties allow it to happen, can lead to a peaceful resolution. As I said earlier, it takes two to tango, so it needs both parties to be willing to operate within it and to be loving and honest in the process. Often when we are confronted we resort to particular behaviours ourselves, defensiveness, or anger, or denial. We need to listen and be honest about our responses, seeking to examine ourselves to see if there is truth in what is being said, and to work towards a suitable resolution. Not ignore and go and gossip about it, nor blow up, nor use any other game playing that deflects the criticism and makes it so we don’t have to deal with it, so we don’t have to consider it seriously. Listen. And consider.

This is the central point. Listen. If we listen to each other and properly hear each other’s concerns, we will be a lot better off as a community. If we speak of our own concerns appropriately in ways that are loving and honest then we give others a better chance to hear those concerns and open the door for reconciliation. If we say nothing, or react badly, then we are closing the door on reconciliation. Imagine if God our Father had done that to us, closed the door and punished us, instead of listening to us?

We accept that grace from God that is offered to us. How about offering it and accepting it from each other? How about not letting things escalate until relationships are fractured forever? How about saying something about what bothers you in a loving and peaceful way? How about listening to each other without reaction? Jesus would.

The Lord be with you.